Dante Velvetcrush had an Unfortunate Tendency to Laugh at Funerals
It was a beautiful day for looking
at cemeteries, he deadpanned.
They said Velvetcrush pulled out
his carving set the day a vulture smashed
into his stained glass window
of Alfred Hitchcock.
Friends swore he did Pilates while listening
to Dean Martin croon "That's Amore"
off-speed and backwards.
It was a beautiful day to picnic
in a cemetery, he deadpanned.
People were disappointed that his sweat
didn't smell like formaldehyde.
Friends swore he did Pilates while listening
to D.O.A. cover "That's Amore"
off-speed and backwards.
It was reported that he served Gin
and Tonics with diseased eyeballs
and devices designed to slice them.
People were disappointed that his sweat
didn't smell of formaldehyde.
His wedding was held in a cemetery
for pets, and his ruined beauty wore
a coffin black dress and carried
a feather fan.
It was reported that he served martinis
with diseased eyeballs and devices
designed to slice them.
Velvetcrush said he wanted to honeymoon
in the Southwest—Tombstone
or Death Valley—and pick up
some nice mementos.
His wedding was held in a cemetery
for pets, and his ruined beauty
wore a black bridal gown and carried
a feather fan.
Still, people believed what they wanted
to believe,
his coffee-colored eyes twinkled.
Velvetcrush said they wanted to honeymoon
in the Southwest—Tombstone or Death Valley—
and pick up some special mementos.
He delighted in visiting the Rose Garden
in mid-Winter and witnessing
the naked splendor of thorns
against a gray sky.
Still, people believed what they wanted
to believe,
his coffee-colored eyes sparkled.
Friends said Dante pulled out
his carving set the day a vulture smashed
into his stained glass window
of Alfred Hitchcock.
He delighted in visiting the Rose Garden
in mid-Winter and witnessing the barren
splendor of thorns against a gray sky.
Dante Velvetcrush had an unfortunate
tendency to laugh at funerals.
Notes
The name "Dante Velvetcrush" was generated using the Morbid Outlook site.
Ideas and lines are adapted from:
"The Father of the Addams Family" from NPR,
Charles Addams: A Cartoonist's Life by Linda Davis,
"Charles Addams Dead at 76; Found Humor in the Macabre" by Eric Pace, September 30, 1988, New York Times, "Light Heart, Dark Humor: The Man Behind The Addams Family" by Linda Rodriguez McRobbie for mental_floss, and Dr. Weirde's Weirde Tours: A Guide to Mysterious San Francisco by Dr. Weirde